The Listening Playbook - what to say and what not to say to get your KIDS talking

The listening playbook by Ashley James….

I have to be honest with you. Listening does not come naturally to me.

At all.

I was the mom who jumped in with solutions before my kid finished their sentence. The mom who turned every conversation into a teaching moment. The mom who asked "why aren't you talking to me?" and then wondered why they went quiet.

It took one of my sons looking me dead in the eyes in the middle of an argument and saying

"Mom. Just listen to me" for it to finally click.

Now I have teenagers, and wow am I thankful that I learned to listen. There’s nothing I love more than when one of them walks into my room late at night and starts spilling the tea..

This playbook is full of lessons I’ve learned over the last 20 years raising kids who actually talk to me.

You’ve got this, moms!

“Mom. Just listen to me. ”

Part one - Stop what you’re doing immediately.

Not in a minute. Not after this episode. Not when you finish that text. Put it down and lock in!

Right now.

The moment your kid comes to you wanting to talk is not a moment you can reschedule. This is go time. Pay attention.

If you miss it, if you keep scrolling, keep talking, keep busy, they’ll register something your never intended to say...

“She doesn’t care what I have to say.”

They won't say that out loud. They'll just stop coming.

I made a decision a long time ago that when one of my kids wants to talk, everything else stops. The dinner. The phone. The work. The sleep. (teenagers, IYKYK). Everything.

It sounds simple. It's one of the hardest things I do consistently as a mom.

And it's the single most important thing on this list.

“The moment your kid comes to you wanting to talk is not a moment you can reschedule.”

Part two - Phrases that work.

Most moms think they need to say the right thing. The truth is you probably need to say less. But when you do speak, here's what actually works:

1. Tell me more. The two most powerful words in your parenting arsenal. Say them and then be quiet. She'll keep going every single time.

2. How do you feel about that? This question does something most responses don't, it tells your kid that their feelings matter and you want to understand them, not fix them.

3. That makes sense. You don't have to agree with what they said. You just have to validate that you understand why they feel it. This keeps the door open.

4. What do you think you should do? Use this instead of telling them what to do. It puts them in the driver's seat and teaches them to think for themselves, which is the big win.

5. I‘m listening. Sometimes they just need to hear it. Say it and mean it.

Part three - Phrases that shut them down.

These are the ones that close the door. Most of us say them without realizing it:

• You shouldn't feel that way... Even if you think they're overreacting, this shuts them down instantly. They feel judged not heard.

• Here’s what you should do... The second you jump to solutions they stop sharing the problem. They came to be heard not fixed. Save the advice for when they ask for it.

• When I was your age... You just made it about you. They're gone.

• I told you so... Never. Under any circumstances. Ever.

• Why can't you just... Yeah, just no. Nobody likes that response

Part four - Where the best convos happen.

The real conversations happen in the unexpected moments.

In the car. Something about side-by-side instead of face-toface makes it easier to talk. No eye contact, somewhere to be, a natural end point. Turn the music down and just drive. You'd be amazed what comes out.

Late at night. I leave my bedroom door open every single night. My teenagers know they can walk in anytime. Some of my favorite conversations as a mom have happened after 10pm when a kid wandered in and sat on the edge of our bed.

Over text. I know it sounds impersonal. But some kids, especially teenagers, find it easier to say hard things in writing first. If your kid texts you something important, resist the urge to immediately call them. Text back. Meet them where they are.

I’m running a special for $40/year or $5/month.

Part five - the silence trick.

This one is uncomfortable, at least for me. But it works

When your kid goes quiet...don't fill the space.

Wait.

Most moms jump in after about 4 seconds of silence because it feels awkward. Your kid is still thinking. They're still deciding whether to say the next thing.

The moment you speak you've closed the window.

Resist the urge to say something. Keep it zipped.

Odds are if you stay quiet long enough they'll let you in.

"The moment you speak you've closed the window."

I’m running a special for $40/year or $5/month.

Part six - when they won’t talk at all.

You can’t force connection. But you can make yourself available for it. Here's what that looks like in practice:

• Show up and say nothing. Sit in the same room. Scroll next to them. Watch what they're watching. You don't have to talk. Just be there. Presence communicates something words can't.

• Ask one low pressure question. Not "how was your day", they will say fine and you will get nothing. Try: "what was the most annoying part of your day?" or "did anything weird happen today?"

• Don 't make it a big deal when they do talk. If they finally open up and you react with too much intensity they'll shut down again. Act calm, even if it's the conversation you've been waiting weeks to have.

• Keep showing up. Even when it feels like it's not working. Even when you feel shut out. The fact that you keep showing up matters. One day they'll be ready and you'll be right there.

Part seven - the long game.

Here's what I want you to hear before you put this down:

The listening you do when they're four is shaping how they talk to you when they're fourteen.

When you stop to hear about the Lego creation. When you ask about the dream they had. When you sit in the drive through and actually pay attention to their story that seems to go on foreverrrrr... you are building something.

You're building a relationship. They know you care about what matters to them. They trust that you actually want to know. You become the person they think of when something happens.

That doesn't happen overnight. It happens day after day. Story after story. Convo after convo.

And one day your teenager is going to wake you up at midnight because they want to talk.

And you're going to be so glad you built this.

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